the answer to the un’answered

Folder – Up Till Now I Dont Know Why I Still Keep Your Picutres And Videos
Playlist – Of All Music, Please Refrain Yourself From Listening To This Khairul

this are the things which i renamed after Atiqkah enters my life. it used to be ” PS I Love You ” but now that phrase doesnt seem to mean anything now.

now that is a perfect lie indeed.

day in and day out, out of 24 hours for 7 days a week, there was never one day that your name or your face did not dash across my mind. and when they do, my heart will start to pump faster as if i am on ecstasy. and why is this so? is this normal?

it was easier, the first time round when i lost someone, but it has been months now, seriously its time for me to get over it. but i dont know why, i am still hoping for a miracle. i believe the word naive is totally over rated.

for months now, i always asked myself, i have someone here whom i believe that she loves me more than she loves herself. but i keep on pushing her away and finding faults and whatever she say or do it will just piss me off. its like a curse without a reverse spell. i really wonder why am i always like this.

Atiqkah, if your reading this listen me out.

your not the first to feel insecure of yourself about me. i believe the one before you know’s exactly how it is. when i was with Murni back then, Asnidah is the one that somehow came into the picture. Like how Masturah is right now. the chain of events might not be the same, but the effect i would say is similar, very much similar indeed. when i think of it again, the reason why i am always having this negative vibe around you is perhaps because i am not over her. Yes i’ve said it out loud and clear. I might had denied about it before and such but i am sorry to say it was all a lie. every place that we actually went, it will reminds me of her. everything that i do on you, i tried my best to be different. but all i can say is that its not helping.
everytime where we would catch a movie, the place has her name and face written all over the wall. the seat that we took, used to tell a different story. the place i parked my bike, it used to be her giving me the helmet.
the worst part, we used to grab our hands and squeeze it three times which means I Love You.

Whenever we did all that, its a different face i see, its a different name that i speak in my mind.

and i know its wrong for me to say it all out to you here, but this is the truth which i have been hiding it away from everyone. no one in my circle of friends right now knows what is it like to see the me they saw back then. i was happy, i was motivated, i was sure to what i am doing. the worst part about everything is, whenever i feel down or the world seem to be crushing down on me, i really wish it was Murni to give me a soft hug and whisper the words she used to say to me. Back then i didnt realized that her words are magical, but now, i get it. The reason i bounce back right up whenever she pull me from the dirt was, i was very sure of what i want in life and i want her to be by me.

thats why whenever you try, ( i know you tried your best ), to bring me up, i feel different.

and i believe i know your next question in your mind right now.
” if thats the case, then why dont you stick with her or try to win her back ? ”

to be honest. to whoever might be reading this, i am lost.

to back track on everything, it goes like this –

i didnt see the back up coming. i didnt expected it. i didnt foresee it might end up that way. i couldnt imagine it, at all.

before it actually happen, yes, we are growing distance apart. we dont do the things we used to do. we dont share our days like how we used to do. back then, i has a new circle of friends and a sudden forged of band of brothers. my time was basically went to the new found friends and brothers. having in mind that she is occupied with her new work friends, i thought everything would be okay. but i was wrong.

apparently the distance seems to be like a big giant rock in between our relationship. and when that happens, i know its going downwards. when i say i know, now then i know but not that point of time.
but i would say, its the worst possible timing that she pulled the plug. reason why?

1. we had a good time before those words were preached
2. like ive said, i dont expect it to even happen
3. we had plans for the future, as the matter of fact, that plan was actually coming to reality
4. i didnt realized that ive hurt her so much before

the list can go on. but i am not in the mood to list what i had in mind now.

the thing is, i thought, and i seriously thought that everything is over. like a full stop. no more contacting, no more phone calls and text. she and i wouldnt be in any kind of contact with one another, not even through the web.

but all that wasnt possible.

all along, i knew i needed her. i needed her because without her in my life, im dragging an empty vessel. my whole life, my whole self, i showered and poured everything to her. when i said that when she pulled the plug and she took everything, well i mean it.

to compare how i was and how i am now is totally different. people are changing everyday but as for me, my mind hasnt but i am still walking.

if only i knew, when you are still going to care so much. when you are still going to be there. when you still have feelings. i am sure that i wouldn’t hesitate to throw my feelings towards Atiqkah back then before the accident.

the only reason why her picture was on my wallpaper her name was Princess in my phone was that i thought an seriously thought all hope was lost. and you would never be coming back.

but suddenly, when you came to visit me on the first day of my accident. i was in joy. i knew that the only person i want to be there is you. the person i want to be texting is you. the one that i want to pat me to sleep the want to tell me everything is okay is you.

but just so unfortunate that you had to see all that you saw.

Murni, sorry is over rated i know. especially coming out from me. i hurt you beyond reasonable doubts. and trying to imagine life with you again, would just be a dream. a dream which i used to have every single day. a dream felt so real that reality doesnt mean a thing anymore. but i guess, with different actions taken, timeline and reality have screwed into our ways.
if you still have this doubt to whatever question, ” with different approach in things, with different actions taken, we are affecting our future ”

it might be a superficial term but just think about it, it does make perfect sense. of course in our context, you have to take emotions, grief, hatred, disbelief all aside in order for you to link to that statement.

as from the picture above. you and i know when it was taken, how it was taken, where it was taken and what it is about. that point of time, me and you, we dont know Why it was taken. but now when you think about it, that small action, that small approach. that moment where i download the song from the internet and blast it through the air of W25A. where i took Samantha’s pen and your hand and wrote the lyric down. that chain of event and that chain of actions, leads us to a doorway that beyond any reasonable doubts does affect our life and an impact so deep, it hurts to be with someone now. it hurts so much thinking about it.

but from time to time, when we glance back through what had happen, especially the good times, where everything seems to be just a reach away, where future seems to be just tomorrow, where happiness and joy are forever. where PS I Love you means the whole world to us.

that was where i can say, the first and the last time, that i am going to fall in love.

after all this, even if Atiqkah is going to read this, i believe that even me and her, or perhaps me and someone else were to tie the knot and have a family, i wont feel the love anymore. hands down, my heart is cold now, my approach on love is alter bullshit. but i never deny that it actually exists. i am honored that ive planted myself on you. i am honored that throughout my life on this earth, i ever once fall in love before, i ever once….

PS I Love You

i dont expect anything from this. i dont expect you to call or text me back or something along the line. but let say, in the future, where our life crosses each other again, i am going to look up upon your face, the one face which i know i can refer to as my personal Grand Canyon, and smile.
but if what i heard is true, that your family has someone whom is ready for you, which we ever talked about it before, i really wish you the best to whoever your with, be it in sickness or in health.
i really regret losing someone i loved more than myself. its too late for those words, but being late is always better than never. those times where i said about us and you and me and you against the world, i truly mean it.

once again awak, if your reading this, i hope that its not too late to make that one small action or that one small step and see how the story would ends .

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~ by khaicalypse on January 9, 2012.

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