the answer to the un’answered

•January 9, 2012 • Leave a Comment

Folder – Up Till Now I Dont Know Why I Still Keep Your Picutres And Videos
Playlist – Of All Music, Please Refrain Yourself From Listening To This Khairul

this are the things which i renamed after Atiqkah enters my life. it used to be ” PS I Love You ” but now that phrase doesnt seem to mean anything now.

now that is a perfect lie indeed.

day in and day out, out of 24 hours for 7 days a week, there was never one day that your name or your face did not dash across my mind. and when they do, my heart will start to pump faster as if i am on ecstasy. and why is this so? is this normal?

it was easier, the first time round when i lost someone, but it has been months now, seriously its time for me to get over it. but i dont know why, i am still hoping for a miracle. i believe the word naive is totally over rated.

for months now, i always asked myself, i have someone here whom i believe that she loves me more than she loves herself. but i keep on pushing her away and finding faults and whatever she say or do it will just piss me off. its like a curse without a reverse spell. i really wonder why am i always like this.

Atiqkah, if your reading this listen me out.

your not the first to feel insecure of yourself about me. i believe the one before you know’s exactly how it is. when i was with Murni back then, Asnidah is the one that somehow came into the picture. Like how Masturah is right now. the chain of events might not be the same, but the effect i would say is similar, very much similar indeed. when i think of it again, the reason why i am always having this negative vibe around you is perhaps because i am not over her. Yes i’ve said it out loud and clear. I might had denied about it before and such but i am sorry to say it was all a lie. every place that we actually went, it will reminds me of her. everything that i do on you, i tried my best to be different. but all i can say is that its not helping.
everytime where we would catch a movie, the place has her name and face written all over the wall. the seat that we took, used to tell a different story. the place i parked my bike, it used to be her giving me the helmet.
the worst part, we used to grab our hands and squeeze it three times which means I Love You.

Whenever we did all that, its a different face i see, its a different name that i speak in my mind.

and i know its wrong for me to say it all out to you here, but this is the truth which i have been hiding it away from everyone. no one in my circle of friends right now knows what is it like to see the me they saw back then. i was happy, i was motivated, i was sure to what i am doing. the worst part about everything is, whenever i feel down or the world seem to be crushing down on me, i really wish it was Murni to give me a soft hug and whisper the words she used to say to me. Back then i didnt realized that her words are magical, but now, i get it. The reason i bounce back right up whenever she pull me from the dirt was, i was very sure of what i want in life and i want her to be by me.

thats why whenever you try, ( i know you tried your best ), to bring me up, i feel different.

and i believe i know your next question in your mind right now.
” if thats the case, then why dont you stick with her or try to win her back ? ”

to be honest. to whoever might be reading this, i am lost.

to back track on everything, it goes like this –

i didnt see the back up coming. i didnt expected it. i didnt foresee it might end up that way. i couldnt imagine it, at all.

before it actually happen, yes, we are growing distance apart. we dont do the things we used to do. we dont share our days like how we used to do. back then, i has a new circle of friends and a sudden forged of band of brothers. my time was basically went to the new found friends and brothers. having in mind that she is occupied with her new work friends, i thought everything would be okay. but i was wrong.

apparently the distance seems to be like a big giant rock in between our relationship. and when that happens, i know its going downwards. when i say i know, now then i know but not that point of time.
but i would say, its the worst possible timing that she pulled the plug. reason why?

1. we had a good time before those words were preached
2. like ive said, i dont expect it to even happen
3. we had plans for the future, as the matter of fact, that plan was actually coming to reality
4. i didnt realized that ive hurt her so much before

the list can go on. but i am not in the mood to list what i had in mind now.

the thing is, i thought, and i seriously thought that everything is over. like a full stop. no more contacting, no more phone calls and text. she and i wouldnt be in any kind of contact with one another, not even through the web.

but all that wasnt possible.

all along, i knew i needed her. i needed her because without her in my life, im dragging an empty vessel. my whole life, my whole self, i showered and poured everything to her. when i said that when she pulled the plug and she took everything, well i mean it.

to compare how i was and how i am now is totally different. people are changing everyday but as for me, my mind hasnt but i am still walking.

if only i knew, when you are still going to care so much. when you are still going to be there. when you still have feelings. i am sure that i wouldn’t hesitate to throw my feelings towards Atiqkah back then before the accident.

the only reason why her picture was on my wallpaper her name was Princess in my phone was that i thought an seriously thought all hope was lost. and you would never be coming back.

but suddenly, when you came to visit me on the first day of my accident. i was in joy. i knew that the only person i want to be there is you. the person i want to be texting is you. the one that i want to pat me to sleep the want to tell me everything is okay is you.

but just so unfortunate that you had to see all that you saw.

Murni, sorry is over rated i know. especially coming out from me. i hurt you beyond reasonable doubts. and trying to imagine life with you again, would just be a dream. a dream which i used to have every single day. a dream felt so real that reality doesnt mean a thing anymore. but i guess, with different actions taken, timeline and reality have screwed into our ways.
if you still have this doubt to whatever question, ” with different approach in things, with different actions taken, we are affecting our future ”

it might be a superficial term but just think about it, it does make perfect sense. of course in our context, you have to take emotions, grief, hatred, disbelief all aside in order for you to link to that statement.

as from the picture above. you and i know when it was taken, how it was taken, where it was taken and what it is about. that point of time, me and you, we dont know Why it was taken. but now when you think about it, that small action, that small approach. that moment where i download the song from the internet and blast it through the air of W25A. where i took Samantha’s pen and your hand and wrote the lyric down. that chain of event and that chain of actions, leads us to a doorway that beyond any reasonable doubts does affect our life and an impact so deep, it hurts to be with someone now. it hurts so much thinking about it.

but from time to time, when we glance back through what had happen, especially the good times, where everything seems to be just a reach away, where future seems to be just tomorrow, where happiness and joy are forever. where PS I Love you means the whole world to us.

that was where i can say, the first and the last time, that i am going to fall in love.

after all this, even if Atiqkah is going to read this, i believe that even me and her, or perhaps me and someone else were to tie the knot and have a family, i wont feel the love anymore. hands down, my heart is cold now, my approach on love is alter bullshit. but i never deny that it actually exists. i am honored that ive planted myself on you. i am honored that throughout my life on this earth, i ever once fall in love before, i ever once….

PS I Love You

i dont expect anything from this. i dont expect you to call or text me back or something along the line. but let say, in the future, where our life crosses each other again, i am going to look up upon your face, the one face which i know i can refer to as my personal Grand Canyon, and smile.
but if what i heard is true, that your family has someone whom is ready for you, which we ever talked about it before, i really wish you the best to whoever your with, be it in sickness or in health.
i really regret losing someone i loved more than myself. its too late for those words, but being late is always better than never. those times where i said about us and you and me and you against the world, i truly mean it.

once again awak, if your reading this, i hope that its not too late to make that one small action or that one small step and see how the story would ends .

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its just a dream right ?

•January 3, 2012 • Leave a Comment

03/01/2012

i dreamt of something on this date, making me into a deep sleep for like 12hrs without studding up from sleep.

a day out with the usual group i guess?

yan syah nazri and together with mard and min.
they brought their girls too, there Wanyy and Soldier Bunny and 2 other girls whom i never seen before

seems like it happen like perhaps ending of this year or something.
yan with his R1, still
syah with his r6, still
nazri with his ski boat, goodness with that p – plate
mard with rizla drz, its gooooood ~
amin with a plain just bought drz, its gooooood ~

everyone met at Seah Im carpark and seems like everyone is going to USS.
and well i was the last to reach, as usual but i wasnt alone, i was with Mrs Fields.

and seems like its not a shocking sight to them as they reacted normal and such. goodness ~

we make our way to the mini island, sentosa and everyone was fly.
seems like money wasnt an issue for everyone but its good money spent over good times.

seems like i was the one snapping pictures with my new Cannon Eos
and the model for the day was actually Mrs fields. she was, i would say, really pretty.

a black mini dress with a vintage leggings and heels.
she look like she’s going to a club. muahaha
as for me, im in doc mart with a Nudie Ripped padded knee jeans and edhardy long sleeves with ray bans of course.

its a small place indeed USS. nothing near to the one in Los Angeles but having a good time with good and lovely people solves the whole issue.
rides were everywhere. we took them all. we watch all the shows available.

after which, we had dinner over at Tiffany’s Cafe in Mandarin Oriental. its fly indeed. International buffet which cost 40bucks per person. but its all good.
the best part, our helmets make us look cheap and oh yes, not to forget, i was riding Baby Rebecca (:

after dinner its time over Gardens by the bay. where we just goof around and Naz has to leave with fellow girl.

soon enough Sya has to go to and so does min.

leave me mard yan.
where to next?

pool down at east coast.

when 3 of us meet, its more like big boys talk. most of the time its serious talk. but a good one.

after which, its sending the ladies home and we went across the border get the bike gassed and stock on Ciggs.

before i know it, its already 7pm.
goodness, i had my 12hrs of sleep and waking up a freshed. (:

its goooood dream indeed .

911 signing off .

lets wave the wand here alittle alright .

•January 3, 2012 • Leave a Comment

get over the looks .
im all about the brains actually.

i really wish that your smart, spontaneous, poise with words.
really.

what i can say is that every single day, either texting or calling, its like the same old routine where i sometimes would just put my phone away from my ears.
the way that you talk, your draging your words. and i dont know if you find that cute or something but its not.
idk if i should say this but i feel like im dating some child.

period.

i wish that your smart, where every single day is like the first day. where there is always something where i can learn from you. i dont know if thats going to happen but i dont think its ever going to happen. your stuck in your own box for years now.

i wish that your spontaneous. but i guess you cant. you want me to wait? for how long?
i want to star gaze with someone in the middle of the night. i want to have supper at some random small joints eating place at 2am. i want to take a trip down the border for a day. i want to have a good time watching movies and such. window shop. without thinking of being slapped or die of boredom.

i dont see what you see in the enjoyment of like walking together and keeping quite. at times, peace and quite is good but i never recall a time where going to town your a bundle of energy.

the sad part . my mum is influencing me every single day about Mrs Fields.

can you please wake up and do something about yourself and dont be a typical GIRL!

i dont need a girl in my life, i need a Woman.
get that in mind, and please dont pretend to know stuff where you actually dont -.-
major turn off.

T h a n k y o u for flying Pan Am

•January 3, 2012 • Leave a Comment


i got this for free over iTunes and its sure is worth the downloading time .
i waited over an hour plus to get the whole 9 episodes
and by far, its all gooood (:

i love the way the show runs us back to the nostalgic times when Pan Am was the SQ back then (:
haha
good history being brought back to life and everything from the sets to the language to the props are all die – cast back to the 80’s

those who loves traveling, or have some sense of desire to be a Flight Attendant, i guess you would love it.

” thank you for flying Pan Am”

•December 29, 2011 • Leave a Comment

its 3 more days till we earthlings have to flip our calendars to the next page.
and it seems to me that everything doesnt seem to be ready, i am not even half way to be ready to face 2012

waking up at 5pm is indeed refreshing as its my 2nd day of off from work.
tomorrow, will be just another day back in the office but forget the workload for now, ive a few more hours to enjoy this much deserve break.

waking up today with 3 different messages
Princess – shes going to some family trip cross the state line and dont know when she will be back -.-
Nadiah – goodness, she’s asking for my roster ( what a way to remember its my off day )
Hamid – asking for shirt money -.- ( get away jackass )

have no idea how’s today is going to be like but im sure its going to be a stay home kinda thing.
ever since i got back from LA, everything is pilling up but yet, i find staying home is the best routine yet. one thing is for sure, its cost effective.

gooooood.

most probably, its going to be a Walking Dead Marathon all evening long (:

the new media

•December 28, 2011 • Leave a Comment

as to what i could recall, watching TV has been part of my daily routine ever since i gave the first cry. as to what i can recall.
Age 2 – 5 : Cartoon Network
Age 6 – 7 : Cartoon Network + Disney Channel
Age 8 – 12 : Discovery Channel + History Channel + National Geography + Friends + Simpsons ( strictly no cartoons )
Age 13 – 16 : Pimp my rides + MTV cribs + Sweet sixteen + Heroes + Prison Break + American Idols + most of the shows from MTV

from what i can list down here, Television has been part of my childhood and theres no good comeback for that. its inevitable.
but nowadays, i missed out watching TV for like 4 years now. what i meant was for 4 years of my life, i spend less than 24 hrs in front of the tele just to watch a show or something. which is weird but a commonality in this modern age.
the news are on the web, the tv shows are on the web. sports to motosports are on the web. documentary are on the web

absolutely anything, its on the web.

and for this 2 months ( Nov – Dec )
i’ve done alot of catching up on some of the best TV shows around.
and here it goes….

Prison Break ( season 1 to season 4 )

True Blood ( season 1 to season 4 )

and now im watching Walking Dead. but i aint so sure i would really do a follow up on this show as its like a typical zombie flick for me. the story line from the pilot episode is pretty much a cliche of Zombie flicks like Resident Evil and 28 Weeks Later and such
the only difference is that, its a tv show.
i dont know how are they going to pull it off in this one but i will tell you when im with Season 1

Walking Dead

 all i know, this few shows arent the only shows i would be indulging myself into. im opening up to myself a few more common tv names. perhaps 24 and Desperate Housewives.
i wish to have this new thing in me to watch TV back again, the only thing which change, is the medium of watching.

Apple TV / Macbook Pro FTW

this part of my life : The Wait.

•December 28, 2011 • Leave a Comment

The Wait

  1. national service
  2. jobs which i applied
  3. bikes bikes and more bikes
  4. license, yet again.
  5. i want to go back to school
  6. and i need some sort of savior


National Service
ever since my Polling Day road accidents, i came to my senses that there i no way i am able to service this nation like other well bodied abled male. due to the fact that i am no longer a abled bodied male ( right hand hairline bone crack ), i had to defer and postpone my service twice. and that sucks as i am stuck here, doing nothing.
when i said Nothing it really means nothing at all.
i cant get a full time job, or perhaps a job that pays (1,800 ++) which i can support myself.
i cant get myself to a school
i am mentally bullied with my friends posting about their striking of days to the number of days left till they are done with their service and suchs.
its really painful to be in this stage right now as, truly stuck and that why this part of my life is Le Wait 

Le job which pays the rent
ever since my arrival back in Singapore, i really wish to start a new. a new outlook a new bike a new self a new soul.
but all that starts from the wallet and when i say wallet meaning i new to get a new fucking job.
a job which will pay me more than what a part time AVSO would earn.
i applied at RWS ( which i dont think it will change anything as it pays in an hourly rate ), i applied as some packers job which i can do it during the night to earn some ( no life at all )

but moments ago, i applied for some courier services job. well i would have to cross my fingers on this one as somehow, i feel something different towards this. i am hoping to get at least a pay out of 18 hundred dollars a month and perhaps a company bike would be thrown on me.
but again i still have to wait for this chick name Judy to reply to me regarding this one and again, this part of my life is Le Wait

Bikes bikes and more bikes
well 27th Dec doesnt turn out like how i planned it. i failed my Class 2 TP and it sucks big time. i knew im going to fail it the moment i got my Prac 3 cleared. the reason why? that fuckig crash bar on that dam hell bike is too big. and guess what, out of 40 people took the test, only 15 passed it and all 15 of them are age 30 and above. god dam it you whores!
the reason why i need to pass that test badly as i cant keep this current bike anymore. its because i know that the longer i am going to ride that bike, i knew something bad is going to happen and most probably the Engine is going to give way and making it another 700 bucks worth of repair work. which we all know that i dont have the luxury to splurge on it anymore. gees.
so well, i guess my only plan here is to go back to square one. which is re – enrolling back to a different school. most probably the one at Bukit Batok. seems good to me. good slots, good bikes, fast test dates.
but all again i need the cash and this is the part of my lifeis Le Wait


The one card which cost so much
i need to be licensed to drive a car badly. i can list down 1000 good reasons why but thats going to be a waste of cyber space, get it? cyber space? * arrrrh * drop it.
so yeah i need to get this Class 3 license badly as i want to have an option to drive or ride. good aye ~
yeah but judging from which, the earliest i would get it is perhaps May or June, if im lucky ( not serving the nation / daddy sponsor )
and i can use this card, to work. and earn bigger money then sending stupid pizzas. a lot of my friends are earning 80 – 100 bucks for 4hours of work by just driving some stupid furniture vans or lorries and load and unload the goods. easy job and fast money, and thats what i need, period.
or i can work as some Vallet parking guy as some part time jobs. for event dates, i know they’re being paid 200 per day and if im associated to a company, i would be earning 12 bucks and hour.
holy crap, isnt that high? i mean its just a part time job right, hold your horses will ya before raising that eye brow 😀
and again, before i get the green light from me old man, this part of my life is Le Wait


lifeisnothingwithouteducation.com.edu
over the period where i was in LA, i am really amazed by how their college systems works again. its like not even school you just have to get the spot in that school, score during assignments and exams, and there you go, a Batchelor Degree.
isnt that nice?
well all i know, i wanna get myself to a school and most probably i would be heading to MDIS to get a diploma in Mass Comm ( 8months ) and then i will do my B.A over in UCLA Bruins College down at Sacremento.
life is nothing without a got dam degree and everyone knows it.
there’s never a day which i regret to see myself dropping out from Poly. if not, by now i would have a god dam diploma and i would be waiting for my NS with a smile. AGRH~
oh well, let by gones be by gones right.

the reason why i wanna do Mass Comm is perhaps, i realized that i am a people person. i need to work around people and not machines. i mean, if thats what i am going to do if i want to pull the best out of me. i have no idea why i want to do Aerospace in RP. i have no idea what i got myself into thats why perhaps.
blame it on the phrase, young and naive -.-
but well, till the point where i got my letter for National Service, this part of my life is Le Wait

Savior
i truly need some kind of savior from all this bullshit i got in my life right now, i need this help from god which going to shine the light on me again. i believe that somehow this past few weeks, everything is all dark. the moment i open my eyes, its like a drag of the 24 hours. theres like nothing to look forward for.
from what i see in myself, over the year 2008 till 2011, everything seems to be going down wards, its like going from bad to worst.
like luck isnt on my side for this few years. i really miss the days where i wake up and i know what i want to accomplish in my life. i only felt that feeling when i was doing my first year in Poly.
where i had a gf, whom i would say the best of the best, i am doing well in school. i have the money to spend on after activities and such.
i really miss those days WHERE I FEEL I KNOW I HAVE SOMETHING TO ACCOMPLISH.
and for now, i really hope that god doesnt gave up on me yet, i really hope that i would be given a hand in this one to get myself back onto my feet.

PS : i really need help in this as i am not good in waiting.